it’s all because of my blasted period…

the weight of the world is on my shoulders in a cranky child, flooded laundry room, mounds of dirty laundry, wasps in mini’s room, sore back, no money, and feelings of jealousy as her father moves on seamlessly with his life setting wedding dates and enjoying anniversaries during the times that we were actually together last year.

i want to cry. i want to share the burden of life with someone but i’m left alone. with my child. who i want to remain a child. it seems like everyone is moving on with their lives but me. i know that everything is happening this way for a reason but i’m tired of being alone in life.

the crazier thing is that the longer i’m alone, the less i want to be with someone… i feel like i’m permanently heart broken.

I haven’t posted here in like forever.

Life has been all consuming.

In a nutshell, here’s an update on my sucky ass love life: ck wants back in, mr. Charlotte and I have seen each other once. It was great. Made me feel like things were real but then reality came back along with his inconsistent and superficial communication. Or maybe I just don’t know how to get to know people.

I had sex not worth mentioning and then some with sir-mix-alot that was fucking incredible. Everytime we see each other he asks why we aren’t dating. Probably because whenever we aren’t in the bed room I’m inundated with thoughts of getting him there. Blinded by the peen.

Eh… Guess it’s the norm of the plight of the sex-loving single woman.

So ck and I, definitely no more. In a nutshell, he got everything he needed and decided that we didn’t need to be friends after I was over the sexual aspect.

Red actually came back to town and called me. It was good to chat and catch up but there’s definitely nothing there.

Mr. Savannah… Oh the saga. We dated a couple times. He said he didn’t want to date consistently. I said that this was the last time we would be doing this back and forth thing and that we were saying good bye to love and romance for good. He said fine. A week later he’s telling me how much he loves me, wants to be with me and asks me if I’ll ever marry him. Right. Well, I’ve deleted his number and his fb. Today he hits me up like “why’d you block me?” I told him he had the choice of all or nothing and he chose nothing. *shrug

And Charlotte is trying to make an entrance—again. The only deterrent is all is female friends. I mean, i know this about him but I guess it makes me feel really insecure because of what happened with my bd.

I’ve resumed my fwb relationship with… Let’s call him beats. Gosh. I saw him the other night and it was a.ma.zing. and then there was morning nookie. So yummy.

But I’m stopping. No sex at all for the month of august. I don’t know what’s harder for me in all the physical challenges that I’m presenting myself this month—no sex, no cooked food, no laziness.

*le sigh* by September/October I’ll be so right.

Yeah… Shit I’m so damn mad. More at myself than him. They say once a person reveals who they are, believe them. And he’s revealed that he’s inconsistent and not a person of his word. So why I actually depended on him for this month, I’m not sure. He being my bd. He’s been so consistent with putting money in her account for her. This month I opted to pay for something else (day care) with my rent money with the thought that he would be putting the money into her account.

Nope.

And then he didn’t mention that he wasn’t going to be able to give me the money till the FIFTEENTH!!! today is the 2nd. That’s another 13 fuckin days! It wouldn’t be so huge if he had let me know but damn! He didn’t. So now I’m left trying to figure out how to come up with the remainder of rent. Sweet.

So I’ve taken a step back from the romance and it did me some good. But I’ve come back feeling less angry and pessimistic—but with the same players.

Well almost anyway. Red is no longer a player in this game of life.

Ck is, well, ck. What we have works. Or did work really well until he started asking me if I wanted him to be my child’s daddy—in the middle of sex. A little scary. We’re so back and forth with seeing each other. He cites that he has a lot of work to do and I cite that I don’t so much care. We have friendship. We have sex. Not that I don’t care about him but I’m past wanting to spend time together. And I’m almost over the sex.

Mr. Savannah… My bestie and her hubby met him and agree that they like him. We’re working ok things and there’s still chemistry when we kiss. On Saturday he called me wanting to take mini and I out. I really appreciated him not forcing me to choose to spend time with either him or Kalima but allowing me to have time with both. I thought it was really sweet and showed me that he might be serious about taking things more serious between us. Who knows though…

And I’m secretly in love with my long time friend… Ugh… As if things need to be more complicated.

I give up.

I’m always so happy for those around me that find love. Like the real stuff that makes both the man and woman feel all sorts of ooey gooey. But it’s not for me.

I give up.

After yet another appearance from ck that resulted in some questionable information surrounding a relationship he’s in or not in, I’m done with the dating and sex scene.

I’m so disappointed. And over it.

Oh well… At least I already got the kid.